For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I'm certainly gaining a lot of insight and encouragement. Over the weekend, Steve & I conducted a little leisurely research for our trip. He mostly looked into RV's and operations, I focused more on the preparations and homeschooling aspect. To my delightful surprise, I found an awesome website geared specifically towards families that are full-timers. Now with a wealth of information and support at my fingertips, I realize the timing could not be anything short of the Lord's good timing!

Steve has been under an extreme amount of stress lately. The mortgage business as he's known it is a thing of the past. Four or five years ago, there was a sense of service to his community as he helped people buy their first home. But as the economy and government has changed the face of the mortgage industry, I don't think he sees or feels that same sense of purpose anymore. As he so eloquently put it, [he] "gets up, goes to work, busts his butt, comes home, stresses about bills, goes to bed...just to get up and do it all over again." All the meanwhile, never feeling that purpose and knowing there's probably no such thing as retirement.

Nearing the end of his rope, Steve has decided to push our trip up a few months -- as in, about 6 months. He is now aiming for us leaving right after Thanksgiving sometime. Truthfully, I could not be more excited. I think about all the possibilities this journey has in store, and I just know the next 3 months are going to feel like an eternity. Then I start the preparations!

I spent an enormous amount of time decluttering yesterday and I finally had my "Ah-Ha" moment. Part of the process of preparing for this trip is sorting through every item we own and scrutinizing it's value and worth. Do I love it? Will I need it? Will I have a place to put it in the RV? Will I even miss it if I just get rid of it now? Is it worth more as a possession, or is it more valuable to sell it and have the money for the RV? It has certainly turned into a project of self-discovery. I am realizing with each box I fill, with each room I declutter, that much of what we possess has little or no real value at the end of the day. It's just stuff.

I told Steve at lunch today that it amazes me what we as a society have come to. We pay hundreds & thousands of dollars to insure and protect our "stuff" -- fire insurance, home security systems, locked storage units. But at the end of the day, we've spent more money protecting those things than what they are actually worth. And for what? Ninety percent of that "stuff", we don't even need.

God has opened my eyes today. I finally see, first hand, what Christ meant in Matthew 6:19-20, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

Christ was all about relationships and servitude and I see now that by ridding myself of earthly treasures, I am simultaneously making room for heavenly treasures; the treasure of family relationships and the opportunity to go out into the world and be of service to people and in places I would have never ventured to in the comforts of my little suburban world.

Back on the Bandwagon

Well, life has certainly been quite full since my last entry. It goes without saying that I met with my mom and as I expected and mentioned, blessing are certainly bestowed when we are obedient! I wasn't too keen on meeting. I'm ashamed to say that I am a very non-confrontational person. Steve has hounded me for years to speak up more, say what's on my mind, put my foot down, etc. but it's always been something I've had a hard time with. It's just always been much easier to keep those things to myself and keep the peace. So meeting with mom, I knew, was going to force me to face a not-so-peaceful situation.

Filled with anxiety and discomfort, I didn't even know how to begin a conversation with my own mother. For nearly the last 10 years, I have felt as though neither of my parents have had a clue who I even am -- how do you have a conversation with someone that is supposed to know you so well, yet really knows nothing about you? Fortunately, mom opened the conversation up with words I spoke to myself too many times over the last 10 years...

"I feel like I have no relationship with you and that is very hard for me"

A common ground is always a good place to start I suppose. After 2 weeks of trying to process the day I had with her, I have to admit I have forgotten many details, but I cannot forget the big picture.

Mom and I miss each other, but we are very different people. I realize that much of what I may have expected from her as a mother, grandmother & mother-in-law, wasn't necessarily her own expectation for herself. She was a very different daughter than I am, we couldn't be more different as mothers and our perspectives of wife-hood come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I sit and ponder all these differences and have to humorously ask myself, "where in the heck did I come from?"

Much of my and mom's conversation diverted toward spiritual and biblical aspects here and there, aspects that brought to light our differences. And then I realized "where I came from"....I have been reborn in the truest sense of the word. I know how different my life and viewpoints would be had Christ not come into my life and changed my heart, my thinking and my priorities. The differences that my mother and I have are merely an outword sign of what the Lord has done within me.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother believes in God and I do think she is saved. But it would be naive to say that all "believers" are the same. Me, personally -- I crave God's word and I long for opportunities to learn how I can change things in my life for the better. I'm kind of developing a liking for being one of those "weird Christians". But, I also know that not everyone is like that.

May God use me to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Matthew 5:13-16

Moment of Truth?

Well, today is the day. In just a couple hours I’ll be meeting with my mother, whom I haven’t spoken more than a handful of words with in the last 8+ months. As I wrote yesterday, I’m not horribly optimistic about it and yet I am unsure about what to expect. Truthfully, I don’t know what it is she wants to talk about, other than the fact that she wants to start seeing the girls again.

I’ve gone over in my mind so many times about where this all began. If you’re looking at just the surface, it would be safe to say that it was all over a Christmas gift – a gift that ultimately made my husband feel very small and to him, was an intentional stab in the back. But family issues like these are never caused by one isolated, insignificant issue. There’s always a history of numerous, small issues that get buried and forgotten, never spoken about, or spoken about and then swept under the rug, but ultimately never addressed. And then one day, something – or someone – just snaps. Steve snapped. A person can only take so much before they completely snap. I don’t think I would have reacted any differently.

Still, I have to sit and wonder what today’s conversation will be like or be about. I have no place or obligation to apologize for my husband. I cannot continue to just sweep things under the rug. My only hope is that over the course of the last 8 months, my mother has opened her mind and eyes a bit to see what has really been going on for the last 8+ years. I can attest to those things. I can bear my soul and talk about how the past has been toxic and it has to stop. But just like an alcoholic or drug addict, until my mother is willing to acknowledge there is a problem, there is ultimately no solution.

Let’s pray that today is the first day toward a solution.

Not Necessarily a Big Happy Family

It amazes me the ways God has decided to work in our lives. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how I have seen Him work personally in my life. When Steve & I were unsure about this trip, I prayed for the Lord’s direction and provision. I guess any faithless human being would have expected something like, an unexpected large sum of money to buy an RV. But the Lord, being the Great Teacher He is, pushed us to think a little more broadly and simply provided us encouragement through the mouth of babes.

Another recent example is still playing out. (Although, as I write this, I’m thinking that is the Lord’s pattern – there never really is a final conclusion is there?)

If you are a close friend, you know the trials and tribulations that my family has undergone. I do not come from a “big happy family” by any sense of the word. Strife should have been our last name. But somewhere deep inside me, maybe because I was an only child, I have always longed for that “big, happy family” and nothing makes my heart ache more than the fact that it may never be.

Currently, my mother and I are estranged although she lives less than 30 miles away. I don’t hear from my dad, who lives in California, but seems to have a new family of his own. Just writing about it makes me have to fight back tears. There is much pain, bitterness and resentment from all the things that have happened since Steve & I met, but somehow we have managed to keep our own little family of 5 intact and each day is another notch on the doorpost that we have come one step closer to raising our children with values and attitudes perhaps we missed out on.

Still, I miss my parents and I know my children miss their grandparents. Being an only child, I’m sure this is part of my inner struggle with it all. But truly, I would not want anything less than that “big, happy family”. Last week, I had this nice long talk with God. I cried to Him, told him what my heart desired (like he didn’t already know, right?) and vowed my obedience. “I have no idea what you have in store, Lord,” I said, “but I’ll leave this in your hands and do whatever it is you want me to do.”

The next day, I got an email from my mother, wanting to get together to talk.

I have to be candidly honest. I am not particularly optimistic about this meeting, which will happen tomorrow over lunch. I’ve never felt as though I could get through to my mother and get her to understand my way of life, my way of thinking and where my loyalties lie and why. But I vowed my obedience to God and I have an obligation to follow through, because I know that it is only in obedience to Him that true blessings are bestowed.