Back on the Bandwagon

Well, life has certainly been quite full since my last entry. It goes without saying that I met with my mom and as I expected and mentioned, blessing are certainly bestowed when we are obedient! I wasn't too keen on meeting. I'm ashamed to say that I am a very non-confrontational person. Steve has hounded me for years to speak up more, say what's on my mind, put my foot down, etc. but it's always been something I've had a hard time with. It's just always been much easier to keep those things to myself and keep the peace. So meeting with mom, I knew, was going to force me to face a not-so-peaceful situation.

Filled with anxiety and discomfort, I didn't even know how to begin a conversation with my own mother. For nearly the last 10 years, I have felt as though neither of my parents have had a clue who I even am -- how do you have a conversation with someone that is supposed to know you so well, yet really knows nothing about you? Fortunately, mom opened the conversation up with words I spoke to myself too many times over the last 10 years...

"I feel like I have no relationship with you and that is very hard for me"

A common ground is always a good place to start I suppose. After 2 weeks of trying to process the day I had with her, I have to admit I have forgotten many details, but I cannot forget the big picture.

Mom and I miss each other, but we are very different people. I realize that much of what I may have expected from her as a mother, grandmother & mother-in-law, wasn't necessarily her own expectation for herself. She was a very different daughter than I am, we couldn't be more different as mothers and our perspectives of wife-hood come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I sit and ponder all these differences and have to humorously ask myself, "where in the heck did I come from?"

Much of my and mom's conversation diverted toward spiritual and biblical aspects here and there, aspects that brought to light our differences. And then I realized "where I came from"....I have been reborn in the truest sense of the word. I know how different my life and viewpoints would be had Christ not come into my life and changed my heart, my thinking and my priorities. The differences that my mother and I have are merely an outword sign of what the Lord has done within me.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother believes in God and I do think she is saved. But it would be naive to say that all "believers" are the same. Me, personally -- I crave God's word and I long for opportunities to learn how I can change things in my life for the better. I'm kind of developing a liking for being one of those "weird Christians". But, I also know that not everyone is like that.

May God use me to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Matthew 5:13-16

Not Necessarily a Big Happy Family

It amazes me the ways God has decided to work in our lives. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how I have seen Him work personally in my life. When Steve & I were unsure about this trip, I prayed for the Lord’s direction and provision. I guess any faithless human being would have expected something like, an unexpected large sum of money to buy an RV. But the Lord, being the Great Teacher He is, pushed us to think a little more broadly and simply provided us encouragement through the mouth of babes.

Another recent example is still playing out. (Although, as I write this, I’m thinking that is the Lord’s pattern – there never really is a final conclusion is there?)

If you are a close friend, you know the trials and tribulations that my family has undergone. I do not come from a “big happy family” by any sense of the word. Strife should have been our last name. But somewhere deep inside me, maybe because I was an only child, I have always longed for that “big, happy family” and nothing makes my heart ache more than the fact that it may never be.

Currently, my mother and I are estranged although she lives less than 30 miles away. I don’t hear from my dad, who lives in California, but seems to have a new family of his own. Just writing about it makes me have to fight back tears. There is much pain, bitterness and resentment from all the things that have happened since Steve & I met, but somehow we have managed to keep our own little family of 5 intact and each day is another notch on the doorpost that we have come one step closer to raising our children with values and attitudes perhaps we missed out on.

Still, I miss my parents and I know my children miss their grandparents. Being an only child, I’m sure this is part of my inner struggle with it all. But truly, I would not want anything less than that “big, happy family”. Last week, I had this nice long talk with God. I cried to Him, told him what my heart desired (like he didn’t already know, right?) and vowed my obedience. “I have no idea what you have in store, Lord,” I said, “but I’ll leave this in your hands and do whatever it is you want me to do.”

The next day, I got an email from my mother, wanting to get together to talk.

I have to be candidly honest. I am not particularly optimistic about this meeting, which will happen tomorrow over lunch. I’ve never felt as though I could get through to my mother and get her to understand my way of life, my way of thinking and where my loyalties lie and why. But I vowed my obedience to God and I have an obligation to follow through, because I know that it is only in obedience to Him that true blessings are bestowed.