A Daughter of Sarah

I am a self-proclaimed planner. I cannot do anything without a plan. Now, that's not to say I always FOLLOW the plan. I'm also a very side-tracked individual who oftentimes finds myself forgetting about my own plan. But nonetheless, I'm a planner. Tell me you need a project done, and I will plan out every detail, and then delegate the execution of the plan to someone else. I have calendars, to-do lists and sticky notes adorning my house and heaven forbid if you throw away anything that remotely resembles a note or reminder (because to you - and my husband - it looked like trash), your head will be in a sling!

Steve, on the other hand, is spontaneous and can keep a mental log of every phone number, appointment and thing to do neatly cataloged in his brain. He can spontaneously decide to take a weekend trip because he knows the route, knows the calendar is empty and has probably memorized the phone number to the hotel. To him, plans just waste time and prolong the process. Nonetheless, I am trying -- really hard - to appreciate that God knows our differences and placed us together to complement one another and to balance each other out. Sometimes I wish God wasn't so darn smart.

Getting ready for this trip has become (I'll be totally candid here) so overwhelming for me I don't even know how to put it into words. As a planner, I need a date that we are leaving. I need to methodically gather & sell each item we own and will not keep ~ but not too soon and not at the last minute! I need to neatly document and catalog each thing that needs to be accomplished and put a timeline to it. I need to keep "to do" lists and "to get" lists and of course, they must all be in one central location: the 2-inch binder with tab dividers that I created.

Enter Steve: I really think he could be a great spokesman for Nike - no one likes to "Just Do It" more than him. He wants to leave "as soon as possible". He'd be content with just loading everything in boxes and telling people to "just come get it". He wouldn't miss a thing, he says. Every month we stay here, is another month's rent we could put toward our travels. And every day he has to get up and report to a job he practically hates anymore, a part of his spirit dies.

God is stretching my faith in ways I could have never imagined. The uncomfortable feeling of abandoning my need to plan and organize this journey is overwhelming and fills me with more anxiety than anything I have ever felt. And then the Lord reminds me of something -- what must Abraham's wife Sarah have gone through! But in the end, God blessed her beyond comprehension!

I have relied on my own planning and organization for every major aspect of my life. From planning for Destini's arrival, every move we've ever made, and now this trip. But I have been gently reminded that by clinging to those comforts, I rob myself of 2 very important blessings:

(1) My husband is blessed when I bless him, and the only way to truly bless my husband is to love him enough to be his helper in his plan, thereby expressing my respect for him, and showing my obedience towards God by being obedient to my husband.

and (2) By abandoning my self-made "plan", I allow God to follow through on His plan. It is only by faith that I can relinquish control and provision of this trip over to Him. Then, I can see His work and his blessings.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I'm certainly gaining a lot of insight and encouragement. Over the weekend, Steve & I conducted a little leisurely research for our trip. He mostly looked into RV's and operations, I focused more on the preparations and homeschooling aspect. To my delightful surprise, I found an awesome website geared specifically towards families that are full-timers. Now with a wealth of information and support at my fingertips, I realize the timing could not be anything short of the Lord's good timing!

Steve has been under an extreme amount of stress lately. The mortgage business as he's known it is a thing of the past. Four or five years ago, there was a sense of service to his community as he helped people buy their first home. But as the economy and government has changed the face of the mortgage industry, I don't think he sees or feels that same sense of purpose anymore. As he so eloquently put it, [he] "gets up, goes to work, busts his butt, comes home, stresses about bills, goes to bed...just to get up and do it all over again." All the meanwhile, never feeling that purpose and knowing there's probably no such thing as retirement.

Nearing the end of his rope, Steve has decided to push our trip up a few months -- as in, about 6 months. He is now aiming for us leaving right after Thanksgiving sometime. Truthfully, I could not be more excited. I think about all the possibilities this journey has in store, and I just know the next 3 months are going to feel like an eternity. Then I start the preparations!

I spent an enormous amount of time decluttering yesterday and I finally had my "Ah-Ha" moment. Part of the process of preparing for this trip is sorting through every item we own and scrutinizing it's value and worth. Do I love it? Will I need it? Will I have a place to put it in the RV? Will I even miss it if I just get rid of it now? Is it worth more as a possession, or is it more valuable to sell it and have the money for the RV? It has certainly turned into a project of self-discovery. I am realizing with each box I fill, with each room I declutter, that much of what we possess has little or no real value at the end of the day. It's just stuff.

I told Steve at lunch today that it amazes me what we as a society have come to. We pay hundreds & thousands of dollars to insure and protect our "stuff" -- fire insurance, home security systems, locked storage units. But at the end of the day, we've spent more money protecting those things than what they are actually worth. And for what? Ninety percent of that "stuff", we don't even need.

God has opened my eyes today. I finally see, first hand, what Christ meant in Matthew 6:19-20, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

Christ was all about relationships and servitude and I see now that by ridding myself of earthly treasures, I am simultaneously making room for heavenly treasures; the treasure of family relationships and the opportunity to go out into the world and be of service to people and in places I would have never ventured to in the comforts of my little suburban world.

Back on the Bandwagon

Well, life has certainly been quite full since my last entry. It goes without saying that I met with my mom and as I expected and mentioned, blessing are certainly bestowed when we are obedient! I wasn't too keen on meeting. I'm ashamed to say that I am a very non-confrontational person. Steve has hounded me for years to speak up more, say what's on my mind, put my foot down, etc. but it's always been something I've had a hard time with. It's just always been much easier to keep those things to myself and keep the peace. So meeting with mom, I knew, was going to force me to face a not-so-peaceful situation.

Filled with anxiety and discomfort, I didn't even know how to begin a conversation with my own mother. For nearly the last 10 years, I have felt as though neither of my parents have had a clue who I even am -- how do you have a conversation with someone that is supposed to know you so well, yet really knows nothing about you? Fortunately, mom opened the conversation up with words I spoke to myself too many times over the last 10 years...

"I feel like I have no relationship with you and that is very hard for me"

A common ground is always a good place to start I suppose. After 2 weeks of trying to process the day I had with her, I have to admit I have forgotten many details, but I cannot forget the big picture.

Mom and I miss each other, but we are very different people. I realize that much of what I may have expected from her as a mother, grandmother & mother-in-law, wasn't necessarily her own expectation for herself. She was a very different daughter than I am, we couldn't be more different as mothers and our perspectives of wife-hood come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I sit and ponder all these differences and have to humorously ask myself, "where in the heck did I come from?"

Much of my and mom's conversation diverted toward spiritual and biblical aspects here and there, aspects that brought to light our differences. And then I realized "where I came from"....I have been reborn in the truest sense of the word. I know how different my life and viewpoints would be had Christ not come into my life and changed my heart, my thinking and my priorities. The differences that my mother and I have are merely an outword sign of what the Lord has done within me.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother believes in God and I do think she is saved. But it would be naive to say that all "believers" are the same. Me, personally -- I crave God's word and I long for opportunities to learn how I can change things in my life for the better. I'm kind of developing a liking for being one of those "weird Christians". But, I also know that not everyone is like that.

May God use me to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Matthew 5:13-16

Not Necessarily a Big Happy Family

It amazes me the ways God has decided to work in our lives. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how I have seen Him work personally in my life. When Steve & I were unsure about this trip, I prayed for the Lord’s direction and provision. I guess any faithless human being would have expected something like, an unexpected large sum of money to buy an RV. But the Lord, being the Great Teacher He is, pushed us to think a little more broadly and simply provided us encouragement through the mouth of babes.

Another recent example is still playing out. (Although, as I write this, I’m thinking that is the Lord’s pattern – there never really is a final conclusion is there?)

If you are a close friend, you know the trials and tribulations that my family has undergone. I do not come from a “big happy family” by any sense of the word. Strife should have been our last name. But somewhere deep inside me, maybe because I was an only child, I have always longed for that “big, happy family” and nothing makes my heart ache more than the fact that it may never be.

Currently, my mother and I are estranged although she lives less than 30 miles away. I don’t hear from my dad, who lives in California, but seems to have a new family of his own. Just writing about it makes me have to fight back tears. There is much pain, bitterness and resentment from all the things that have happened since Steve & I met, but somehow we have managed to keep our own little family of 5 intact and each day is another notch on the doorpost that we have come one step closer to raising our children with values and attitudes perhaps we missed out on.

Still, I miss my parents and I know my children miss their grandparents. Being an only child, I’m sure this is part of my inner struggle with it all. But truly, I would not want anything less than that “big, happy family”. Last week, I had this nice long talk with God. I cried to Him, told him what my heart desired (like he didn’t already know, right?) and vowed my obedience. “I have no idea what you have in store, Lord,” I said, “but I’ll leave this in your hands and do whatever it is you want me to do.”

The next day, I got an email from my mother, wanting to get together to talk.

I have to be candidly honest. I am not particularly optimistic about this meeting, which will happen tomorrow over lunch. I’ve never felt as though I could get through to my mother and get her to understand my way of life, my way of thinking and where my loyalties lie and why. But I vowed my obedience to God and I have an obligation to follow through, because I know that it is only in obedience to Him that true blessings are bestowed.

God’s Message of Certainty

Why is it that when we ask the Lord for something, we’re still amazed when He delivers? Is it merely our human nature, unable to wrap our little minds around His wondrous love, or is it a sign of our wavering faith, hoping but never quite sure if He will give us what we have requested in prayer? Either way, our Lord and Savior never ceases to amaze me.

As I had said Tuesday, I committed to prayer asking the Lord for provision and guidance in The Big Idea (not MY Big Idea, THE Big Idea). My heart remained steadfast in my faith that He would answer, but my mind, human as it is, wondered each day how long I would be waiting for that answer. I wanted a clear sign that this idea came from Him, and not just crazy “get me outta here” wish of my own desires.

Throughout the week, Steve and I have not been able to take our minds off of it. We oftentimes found ourselves asking one another “what are you thinking?”, knowing full well as we asked the other that question, we knew the answer. We both were heavy with the thoughts of many details; money, transportation, preparations….it all but consumed us. But never is a negative way. Each time a detail came to me, I could feel a rush of excitement come over me. Of course, books have become my way of dealing with all those questions. I checked out a couple of books pertaining to The Idea, placing a couple others on hold.

Yesterday was the day we were to travel back up to Fort Morgan to pick up the girls from their week-long stay-cation. On our way out, we stopped by the library to pick up one of the on-hold books and Steve and I discussed our plans, I paraphrased things from the book, and I intermittently said “if this is what we are supposed to do.” The question crossed our minds too; Do we share this with the kids? Or do we wait until we know for sure? On the “pro” side, we can include them in the process and they just might love the idea too! On the “con” side, they hate the idea and then blab to anyone and everyone, leaving us to explain why we would do something so crazy!

After arriving to pick up the kids and spending some quality time to visit with our friend and get a recap of the week, we began to gather up the girls and their things. As we were walking out the door, across the property sat their RV. Out of no where, our friend says “You guys want to buy our RV? We’re selling it.” Steve and I looked at each other and immediately knew what the other was thinking. “It’s just coincidental,” we both thought. We decided to take a peek, really just to see what they had, how much they wanted and to get a feel for it.

As we were heading home, Steve briefly and casually talked about their RV. We had not yet decided whether or not to disclose The Big Idea to the girls, when out of nowhere, we heard the Lord speak to us loud and clear through the voice of our daughter, Koti.

“Are we gonna buy their RV? We should! We could buy it and go on the road! We could sell all our stuff, travel the country and homeschool on the road!”

It was short of a miracle I didn’t have a heart attack or that Steve didn’t veer off the road into the corn field. All I could think to say was “I guess that’s our answer.”

So, now we have received our gift of provision. I truly believe that where God guides, He provides. The coming months will entail a lot of planning and preparing, selling and saving. I know there is great difficulty and insecurity in the endeavor upon which we are about to embark. But it is through faith and obedience that the biggest blessings are bestowed upon us and so I know in my heart there will be tremendous blessings and growth waiting for us in this.

The Conception of The Big Idea

So, I’ve realized what happens when you go from being a SAHM of 3 growing girls, to suddenly being at home alone all day. For one, I read….A LOT. This is great for me. It’s one of my favorite pastimes and as any mother of 2 or more children knows, (don’t ask “why 2 and not one”. that’s a whole ‘other blog!) when you have the time to enjoy a pastime, you take what you can get. Well, I have 5 whole days. But you can only read so much before your eyes start to wander to the corners of your eyes and it’s just time to take a break. Problem is, I’m still alone in the quietness of my big 4-bedroom house and the only noises are the fans and the dog licking his paws. So, of course, my mind begins to wander. But as I hope my readers learn, oftentimes it’s that quietness that allows us to hear the Lord speak to us.

I recently read The Duggars: 20 and Counting. In the book, Jim Bob Duggar talks about an idea God laid on his heart. He knew the idea came from God because “there was no way I would have ever dreamed up such a thing on my own!”¹ Now I know that feeling and I can attest that I really do think the Lord speaks to us. We just sometimes need that monotonous fan in the background to get our heart’s hearing tuned-in to His voice.

As I lay there on the couch, my mind begins to focus on my husband’s frustrated words last week….”I just want to sell everything and move and start over”. We all feel like that sometimes. When the stresses of family, illness, finances or otherwise just seem so overwhelming that it seems as though life would be better to just leave. But any logical person knows that no matter what you do to change your circumstances you can never run from problems. They will follow you everywhere you go until you look them in the eye and say “ENOUGH” and deal with them head on. Oftentimes, it seems far too overwhelming to face them, and then out of nowhere, the Lord sends us a message to remind us that we don’t have to face them alone. Our message came in the form of a sermon. Cliché, I know, but true. It just so happened that we visited our old home-church on Sunday and the message was “Where is God when life hurts?” We were reminded that He’s right there, hurting with us, and we just need to draw near to Him so that He may draw near to us and comfort us. I woke up Monday morning committed to that. I knew that if I truly needed clarity on what our future path was to be, I had to ask. I had to draw near to God and open my heart to His presence and voice if I had any hope of gaining that wisdom. But is it me that needs to gain the clarity and wisdom on this subject?

You see, I have very strong convictions about where God has placed me and who I am as a descendant of Eve. God created me to be my husband’s helper; his mate; his sidekick. The Lord did not assign me any form of sovereignty over my husband and I am never to be his conscience or medium; simply his helper. He calls the shots and I see to it that things are carried out to the best of our ability. As a descendant of Eve, I must always remember that it was EVE who was deceived. The Devil cunningly tempted the weaker of the two to accomplish his goal. I have learned, often the hard way that my thoughts, opinions and actions must be contemplated with extreme scrutiny as to not lead my husband astray, as Eve led Adam astray. So, again I ask the question…is it me that should be seeking this wisdom? Or my husband?

I have concluded that we both must. I simply took what I have learned and heard and have begun to pray. I’ve prayed for my own patience and wisdom to know when I am being a good helper, and when I am overstepping my boundaries into “nagging bossiness”. But I have mostly prayed for my husband. That the Lord might reveal to him the path on which we should be. Makes sense and sounds easy, but as we all know, it’s just not always that simple.

So back to my quiet Monday morning. As I diligently went about my day doing my Weekly Home Blessing, my mind and heart pondered on all that I had heard over the last few days; selling everything and moving, living simply, the kids missing the country…so much to think about. But one thing stuck out…..selling everything and moving. But where? Where would we go? And that’s when I heard it…..God’s voice speaking to my heart in a way I cannot explain. Like Jim Bob Duggar, I knew it was God because there is no way I would have thought this up on my own. Suddenly, I knew what Jim Bob was talking about and I felt a chill run through my body. Not a cold chill and not a hot sweats kind of chill. But a warm peace like the one you feel when a warm cup of tea goes down your throat on a cold winter day. It was a scary thought, but I wasn’t the least bit scared. I was excited, elated and anxious for the “hows” and “why’s” to follow…..

I spent the remainder of the afternoon opening my mind and heart to all the little details, but mostly on how I would present this crazy idea to Steve. I knew I had to have some “how’s” to share with him, and the Lord just flooded me with ideas, one after another, even details that seemed insignificant or trivial. By the time Steve got home, I knew one of two things would happen…..either he’d love the idea or he’d think I was insane (which wouldn’t be the first time). Either way, I was reassured that it was in the Lord’s hands, and He knew what He was doing…..”Just obey, Addie and let me take care of the rest” is what my heart heard.

When he got home from work yesterday, I revealed The Idea to Steve is small bites.

“What if we did _____?”

“We could _____;”

“Wouldn’t that be a great experience for us and the kids?”

I love the way God works. Steve loved every bit of The Idea and even began to brainstorm his own details. Minute by minute I began to see God work in Steve’s heart and in our family. But just to be sure, I said to Steve…”Ok, lets pray about it and make sure that we’re really doing what God has planned for us and that this isn’t just some crazy idea of our own.” His response was like that feeling you get when your boss drops 100 files on your desk and says he wants a report by noon.

“You do that…..you’re better at that sort of thing,” he said. See! I knew it wasn’t that easy….

WHAT??? I’ve spent years trying to re-condition myself to be the woman and helpmeet God wants me to be; being submissive and allowing my husband to lead, and recognizing that I am not necessarily the “more spiritual” one of the two. Now I have been delegated as the messenger? Would I be disobeying God by leading spiritually? Would I be disobeying my husband by NOT? Let’s face it….being delegated as the spiritual leader for the entire family carries a huge amount of responsibility. All I could think was “Ok, God….you heard him. Please help us!”

And so, this is where “The Big Idea” was conceived. Ironically, as I sit here writing, I realize that it will take about 9-10 months to prepare for the “birth” of this idea. Is that any coincidence?

In closing for today, I ask for prayers in all facets of The Big Idea; mainly, that the Lord will continue to work in Steve and me to give us reassurance and clarity that this idea is His plan. If it is His path for us, I welcome it with open arms and anxiously await the blessings he has in store for us through our obedience. If not, I pray that He’ll give us a loving knock upside the head so we can focus on the path He does have paved for us.