A Daughter of Sarah

I am a self-proclaimed planner. I cannot do anything without a plan. Now, that's not to say I always FOLLOW the plan. I'm also a very side-tracked individual who oftentimes finds myself forgetting about my own plan. But nonetheless, I'm a planner. Tell me you need a project done, and I will plan out every detail, and then delegate the execution of the plan to someone else. I have calendars, to-do lists and sticky notes adorning my house and heaven forbid if you throw away anything that remotely resembles a note or reminder (because to you - and my husband - it looked like trash), your head will be in a sling!

Steve, on the other hand, is spontaneous and can keep a mental log of every phone number, appointment and thing to do neatly cataloged in his brain. He can spontaneously decide to take a weekend trip because he knows the route, knows the calendar is empty and has probably memorized the phone number to the hotel. To him, plans just waste time and prolong the process. Nonetheless, I am trying -- really hard - to appreciate that God knows our differences and placed us together to complement one another and to balance each other out. Sometimes I wish God wasn't so darn smart.

Getting ready for this trip has become (I'll be totally candid here) so overwhelming for me I don't even know how to put it into words. As a planner, I need a date that we are leaving. I need to methodically gather & sell each item we own and will not keep ~ but not too soon and not at the last minute! I need to neatly document and catalog each thing that needs to be accomplished and put a timeline to it. I need to keep "to do" lists and "to get" lists and of course, they must all be in one central location: the 2-inch binder with tab dividers that I created.

Enter Steve: I really think he could be a great spokesman for Nike - no one likes to "Just Do It" more than him. He wants to leave "as soon as possible". He'd be content with just loading everything in boxes and telling people to "just come get it". He wouldn't miss a thing, he says. Every month we stay here, is another month's rent we could put toward our travels. And every day he has to get up and report to a job he practically hates anymore, a part of his spirit dies.

God is stretching my faith in ways I could have never imagined. The uncomfortable feeling of abandoning my need to plan and organize this journey is overwhelming and fills me with more anxiety than anything I have ever felt. And then the Lord reminds me of something -- what must Abraham's wife Sarah have gone through! But in the end, God blessed her beyond comprehension!

I have relied on my own planning and organization for every major aspect of my life. From planning for Destini's arrival, every move we've ever made, and now this trip. But I have been gently reminded that by clinging to those comforts, I rob myself of 2 very important blessings:

(1) My husband is blessed when I bless him, and the only way to truly bless my husband is to love him enough to be his helper in his plan, thereby expressing my respect for him, and showing my obedience towards God by being obedient to my husband.

and (2) By abandoning my self-made "plan", I allow God to follow through on His plan. It is only by faith that I can relinquish control and provision of this trip over to Him. Then, I can see His work and his blessings.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I'm certainly gaining a lot of insight and encouragement. Over the weekend, Steve & I conducted a little leisurely research for our trip. He mostly looked into RV's and operations, I focused more on the preparations and homeschooling aspect. To my delightful surprise, I found an awesome website geared specifically towards families that are full-timers. Now with a wealth of information and support at my fingertips, I realize the timing could not be anything short of the Lord's good timing!

Steve has been under an extreme amount of stress lately. The mortgage business as he's known it is a thing of the past. Four or five years ago, there was a sense of service to his community as he helped people buy their first home. But as the economy and government has changed the face of the mortgage industry, I don't think he sees or feels that same sense of purpose anymore. As he so eloquently put it, [he] "gets up, goes to work, busts his butt, comes home, stresses about bills, goes to bed...just to get up and do it all over again." All the meanwhile, never feeling that purpose and knowing there's probably no such thing as retirement.

Nearing the end of his rope, Steve has decided to push our trip up a few months -- as in, about 6 months. He is now aiming for us leaving right after Thanksgiving sometime. Truthfully, I could not be more excited. I think about all the possibilities this journey has in store, and I just know the next 3 months are going to feel like an eternity. Then I start the preparations!

I spent an enormous amount of time decluttering yesterday and I finally had my "Ah-Ha" moment. Part of the process of preparing for this trip is sorting through every item we own and scrutinizing it's value and worth. Do I love it? Will I need it? Will I have a place to put it in the RV? Will I even miss it if I just get rid of it now? Is it worth more as a possession, or is it more valuable to sell it and have the money for the RV? It has certainly turned into a project of self-discovery. I am realizing with each box I fill, with each room I declutter, that much of what we possess has little or no real value at the end of the day. It's just stuff.

I told Steve at lunch today that it amazes me what we as a society have come to. We pay hundreds & thousands of dollars to insure and protect our "stuff" -- fire insurance, home security systems, locked storage units. But at the end of the day, we've spent more money protecting those things than what they are actually worth. And for what? Ninety percent of that "stuff", we don't even need.

God has opened my eyes today. I finally see, first hand, what Christ meant in Matthew 6:19-20, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

Christ was all about relationships and servitude and I see now that by ridding myself of earthly treasures, I am simultaneously making room for heavenly treasures; the treasure of family relationships and the opportunity to go out into the world and be of service to people and in places I would have never ventured to in the comforts of my little suburban world.

Back on the Bandwagon

Well, life has certainly been quite full since my last entry. It goes without saying that I met with my mom and as I expected and mentioned, blessing are certainly bestowed when we are obedient! I wasn't too keen on meeting. I'm ashamed to say that I am a very non-confrontational person. Steve has hounded me for years to speak up more, say what's on my mind, put my foot down, etc. but it's always been something I've had a hard time with. It's just always been much easier to keep those things to myself and keep the peace. So meeting with mom, I knew, was going to force me to face a not-so-peaceful situation.

Filled with anxiety and discomfort, I didn't even know how to begin a conversation with my own mother. For nearly the last 10 years, I have felt as though neither of my parents have had a clue who I even am -- how do you have a conversation with someone that is supposed to know you so well, yet really knows nothing about you? Fortunately, mom opened the conversation up with words I spoke to myself too many times over the last 10 years...

"I feel like I have no relationship with you and that is very hard for me"

A common ground is always a good place to start I suppose. After 2 weeks of trying to process the day I had with her, I have to admit I have forgotten many details, but I cannot forget the big picture.

Mom and I miss each other, but we are very different people. I realize that much of what I may have expected from her as a mother, grandmother & mother-in-law, wasn't necessarily her own expectation for herself. She was a very different daughter than I am, we couldn't be more different as mothers and our perspectives of wife-hood come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I sit and ponder all these differences and have to humorously ask myself, "where in the heck did I come from?"

Much of my and mom's conversation diverted toward spiritual and biblical aspects here and there, aspects that brought to light our differences. And then I realized "where I came from"....I have been reborn in the truest sense of the word. I know how different my life and viewpoints would be had Christ not come into my life and changed my heart, my thinking and my priorities. The differences that my mother and I have are merely an outword sign of what the Lord has done within me.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother believes in God and I do think she is saved. But it would be naive to say that all "believers" are the same. Me, personally -- I crave God's word and I long for opportunities to learn how I can change things in my life for the better. I'm kind of developing a liking for being one of those "weird Christians". But, I also know that not everyone is like that.

May God use me to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Matthew 5:13-16

Moment of Truth?

Well, today is the day. In just a couple hours I’ll be meeting with my mother, whom I haven’t spoken more than a handful of words with in the last 8+ months. As I wrote yesterday, I’m not horribly optimistic about it and yet I am unsure about what to expect. Truthfully, I don’t know what it is she wants to talk about, other than the fact that she wants to start seeing the girls again.

I’ve gone over in my mind so many times about where this all began. If you’re looking at just the surface, it would be safe to say that it was all over a Christmas gift – a gift that ultimately made my husband feel very small and to him, was an intentional stab in the back. But family issues like these are never caused by one isolated, insignificant issue. There’s always a history of numerous, small issues that get buried and forgotten, never spoken about, or spoken about and then swept under the rug, but ultimately never addressed. And then one day, something – or someone – just snaps. Steve snapped. A person can only take so much before they completely snap. I don’t think I would have reacted any differently.

Still, I have to sit and wonder what today’s conversation will be like or be about. I have no place or obligation to apologize for my husband. I cannot continue to just sweep things under the rug. My only hope is that over the course of the last 8 months, my mother has opened her mind and eyes a bit to see what has really been going on for the last 8+ years. I can attest to those things. I can bear my soul and talk about how the past has been toxic and it has to stop. But just like an alcoholic or drug addict, until my mother is willing to acknowledge there is a problem, there is ultimately no solution.

Let’s pray that today is the first day toward a solution.

Not Necessarily a Big Happy Family

It amazes me the ways God has decided to work in our lives. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how I have seen Him work personally in my life. When Steve & I were unsure about this trip, I prayed for the Lord’s direction and provision. I guess any faithless human being would have expected something like, an unexpected large sum of money to buy an RV. But the Lord, being the Great Teacher He is, pushed us to think a little more broadly and simply provided us encouragement through the mouth of babes.

Another recent example is still playing out. (Although, as I write this, I’m thinking that is the Lord’s pattern – there never really is a final conclusion is there?)

If you are a close friend, you know the trials and tribulations that my family has undergone. I do not come from a “big happy family” by any sense of the word. Strife should have been our last name. But somewhere deep inside me, maybe because I was an only child, I have always longed for that “big, happy family” and nothing makes my heart ache more than the fact that it may never be.

Currently, my mother and I are estranged although she lives less than 30 miles away. I don’t hear from my dad, who lives in California, but seems to have a new family of his own. Just writing about it makes me have to fight back tears. There is much pain, bitterness and resentment from all the things that have happened since Steve & I met, but somehow we have managed to keep our own little family of 5 intact and each day is another notch on the doorpost that we have come one step closer to raising our children with values and attitudes perhaps we missed out on.

Still, I miss my parents and I know my children miss their grandparents. Being an only child, I’m sure this is part of my inner struggle with it all. But truly, I would not want anything less than that “big, happy family”. Last week, I had this nice long talk with God. I cried to Him, told him what my heart desired (like he didn’t already know, right?) and vowed my obedience. “I have no idea what you have in store, Lord,” I said, “but I’ll leave this in your hands and do whatever it is you want me to do.”

The next day, I got an email from my mother, wanting to get together to talk.

I have to be candidly honest. I am not particularly optimistic about this meeting, which will happen tomorrow over lunch. I’ve never felt as though I could get through to my mother and get her to understand my way of life, my way of thinking and where my loyalties lie and why. But I vowed my obedience to God and I have an obligation to follow through, because I know that it is only in obedience to Him that true blessings are bestowed.

9 months? Seriously??

I just don’t know how it is I am going to stay patient for the next 9 months. At least when you find out you’re pregnant, you already have a good month or so down. And for the life of me I can’t figure out why that dumb counter on the blog isn’t working right.

I’m excited. No…more like ecstatic. I’ve dove my nose into books upon books about RVing, homeschooling, etc. and every page I turn just gets me that much more excited. I think the homeschooling idea has me the most excited. Just the sheer thought of getting my kids out of “jail” (as Koti so eloquently termed it) will be an experience.

As I was taking them to school yesterday, Koti makes the following assessment:

“You know, school is just like jail. Think about it. The food is gross, you only get a set amount of time to play outside, and you’re locked up in this building all day long. I mean, they try to spice it up a bit with things like P.E., music and stuff, but its still school. Just like jail, you know how they have carpentry and stuff, but you know its still jail.”

Wow! LOL I died laughing, but deep down inside, I know she’s right. I just can’t wait to get them on the road and get them loving to learn again; about things that matter….things that they NEED to know. I mean, who really cares how many different ways you can do long division if you can’t even cut a recipe in half!

EBay is up and running. I got a couple of huge loads of books this weekend, so I’m listing, listing, listing. It's kind of funny how a bookworm like me ironically ends up running an online bookstore. How appropriate. It’s too soon to tell, but I have great expectations for it!

Garage sale is next Friday. It's mostly going to be putting out clothes, toys and miscellaneous household items.

I think I’ll make one of those thermometer posters for us to track our savings. That might be a good visual aid to keep us motivated.

Kids: What about school?

I have to laugh every time this question is asked. Whether it be in an email, a text or over the phone, it is asked with the exact same verbage every time...."What about the kids and school?"

It amazes me that in this day and age, when virtually any and all of my fellow public-school parents would agree the education in this country is substandard, and homeschooling is on the rise more than any other generation, that this would even be a question. More so, why is it that we have all bought into this idea that the only place our children can get an education is in a public school, and the only people qualified to do so are "certified educators".

I read a very interesting point once upon a time and I don't even remember where I read it, but it went something like this: why is it that we, as mothers, can raise and teach our children through midnight feedings, colic, learning to crawl, walk and run, holding a bottle, spoon and crayon and potty training, but somehow when they reach the age of 5, we no longer think we are capable of "teaching" them? Better yet, how is it that we can somehow convince ourselves that if we send our kids to a building with a bunch of other people their size that have few (good) social skills that they are being prepared for the real world?

We get our little one through the most formidable years of their lives and then hand them off to a stranger, somehow convinced they are more qualified than us to teach them how to learn! And then we spend 13+ years making them socialize with people who, we admit, we don't like their behavior.

My kids have been in both scenarios. They have been homeschooled kids, only exposed to the people I select for them to socialize with. They have been in public school (both before and after homeschooling) where I have witnessed first hand the influence that particular setting and socialization has made on them. Although they are heading to a highly regarded charter school this month, I am a firm believer in this: our children are only as good as the situation we place them in and the people we surround them with.

So, when people ask me this question, "What about school?" my response is this...What about it?

I know, with out an inkling of doubt, that being removed from the public school setting will be a blessing and saving grace to my girls. I can be, and will be, the best "educator" my girls could ever have. They will have the opportunity to see and learn things that no book could ever live up to. I care more about their character, education and growth than any teacher ever could....not because teachers are not good enough, but because they just aren't mom. My children will experience how people really behave and socialize. Let's face it, being bullied for your lunch money or made fun of because your jeans are not the "right" brand is not how the real world is; that's how public school is.

I am ecstatic about the opportunity to pull them out of "school", take them on the road and "unschool" them.

For those who still have their doubts....subscribe to the blog. The girls will be adding their own blogs next summer about what they are seeing and learning! (I hear there is even talk about a web show!)