Mother's Intuition

I love when I have those "ah ha" moments. What I hate about them, is the bitter after-taste they leave when you realize, you really knew this all along.

We've been struggling with behavioral issues with our oldest, Destini since she was about 3 or 4 years old -- years before my divorce from her bio-father. I have consulted with parenting coaches, pediatricians, social workers, teachers, psychologists and psychiatrists. In spite of the 20+ years of professional training I have consulted, it looks like I am finally headed towards a solution.

But this is not at the credit of that 20+ years of professional training & education, but merely my own 13 years of being a mother and less than $10 on a book.

One thing that dawned on me as I read this book, was that none of these so-called professionals ever recommended any bloodwork, diet journaling or allergy testing. No one ever requested psychological testing, MRI's or CAT scans. Not one doctor ever asked for results of standardized tests. The parent coaches and social workers never did an in-home observation. And my daughter's obvious difficulty with organization and stress-management never raised a red flag to teachers that there was a focus issue. But on our second visit to the psychiatrist, they gave her a prescription for an antidepressent, diagnosed her with depression, anxiety and trichotillomania and recommended once-a-week meetings with the therapist and once-a-month visits with the psychiatrist. Meds & meetings. Following this regimine would cost us approximately $500+ per month and there was no outlook for how long this treatment plan would need to continue.

I thank God He created me to be an investigator and someday my daughter will be thankful she was born to parents who never take anything at face value.

Realizing that this was a treatment plan we simply would not be able to consistantly afford, I began doing my own research. Without going into great detail (I'll save that for the book), what I found made me angry, relieved and hopeful. Angry because no one ever thought of this. Relieved because I knew now we could fix it. Hopeful because at least Dezi is young enough that we can all enjoy her childhood like we should before its too late.

Simply put, it's all about diet. We have determined that Destini, like millions of other kids and her mom included, are sugar addicts and highly sugar sensitive. Similar to diabetics, our bodies simply do not process sugars the same way, but rather it reacts with our bodies the way alcohol does with an alcoholic. With diet changes and close monitoring, Destini CAN overcome this monster that has taken over her life!

I've heard and read many stories of children who overcame a gamut of emotional and behavioral problems with diet change. I have always kept that possibility in the back of my head, but I never put much weight on it. But motherly instinct kicked in and I truly believe it's going to pay off.

Remember that, despite the cost, studies and time it costs to become a doctor, psychologist or family counselor, no professional trumps a mother's intuition. I should have learned that a long time ago when Destini had to have surgery at 5 weeks old! (another story for the book!)

A Daughter of Sarah

I am a self-proclaimed planner. I cannot do anything without a plan. Now, that's not to say I always FOLLOW the plan. I'm also a very side-tracked individual who oftentimes finds myself forgetting about my own plan. But nonetheless, I'm a planner. Tell me you need a project done, and I will plan out every detail, and then delegate the execution of the plan to someone else. I have calendars, to-do lists and sticky notes adorning my house and heaven forbid if you throw away anything that remotely resembles a note or reminder (because to you - and my husband - it looked like trash), your head will be in a sling!

Steve, on the other hand, is spontaneous and can keep a mental log of every phone number, appointment and thing to do neatly cataloged in his brain. He can spontaneously decide to take a weekend trip because he knows the route, knows the calendar is empty and has probably memorized the phone number to the hotel. To him, plans just waste time and prolong the process. Nonetheless, I am trying -- really hard - to appreciate that God knows our differences and placed us together to complement one another and to balance each other out. Sometimes I wish God wasn't so darn smart.

Getting ready for this trip has become (I'll be totally candid here) so overwhelming for me I don't even know how to put it into words. As a planner, I need a date that we are leaving. I need to methodically gather & sell each item we own and will not keep ~ but not too soon and not at the last minute! I need to neatly document and catalog each thing that needs to be accomplished and put a timeline to it. I need to keep "to do" lists and "to get" lists and of course, they must all be in one central location: the 2-inch binder with tab dividers that I created.

Enter Steve: I really think he could be a great spokesman for Nike - no one likes to "Just Do It" more than him. He wants to leave "as soon as possible". He'd be content with just loading everything in boxes and telling people to "just come get it". He wouldn't miss a thing, he says. Every month we stay here, is another month's rent we could put toward our travels. And every day he has to get up and report to a job he practically hates anymore, a part of his spirit dies.

God is stretching my faith in ways I could have never imagined. The uncomfortable feeling of abandoning my need to plan and organize this journey is overwhelming and fills me with more anxiety than anything I have ever felt. And then the Lord reminds me of something -- what must Abraham's wife Sarah have gone through! But in the end, God blessed her beyond comprehension!

I have relied on my own planning and organization for every major aspect of my life. From planning for Destini's arrival, every move we've ever made, and now this trip. But I have been gently reminded that by clinging to those comforts, I rob myself of 2 very important blessings:

(1) My husband is blessed when I bless him, and the only way to truly bless my husband is to love him enough to be his helper in his plan, thereby expressing my respect for him, and showing my obedience towards God by being obedient to my husband.

and (2) By abandoning my self-made "plan", I allow God to follow through on His plan. It is only by faith that I can relinquish control and provision of this trip over to Him. Then, I can see His work and his blessings.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I'm certainly gaining a lot of insight and encouragement. Over the weekend, Steve & I conducted a little leisurely research for our trip. He mostly looked into RV's and operations, I focused more on the preparations and homeschooling aspect. To my delightful surprise, I found an awesome website geared specifically towards families that are full-timers. Now with a wealth of information and support at my fingertips, I realize the timing could not be anything short of the Lord's good timing!

Steve has been under an extreme amount of stress lately. The mortgage business as he's known it is a thing of the past. Four or five years ago, there was a sense of service to his community as he helped people buy their first home. But as the economy and government has changed the face of the mortgage industry, I don't think he sees or feels that same sense of purpose anymore. As he so eloquently put it, [he] "gets up, goes to work, busts his butt, comes home, stresses about bills, goes to bed...just to get up and do it all over again." All the meanwhile, never feeling that purpose and knowing there's probably no such thing as retirement.

Nearing the end of his rope, Steve has decided to push our trip up a few months -- as in, about 6 months. He is now aiming for us leaving right after Thanksgiving sometime. Truthfully, I could not be more excited. I think about all the possibilities this journey has in store, and I just know the next 3 months are going to feel like an eternity. Then I start the preparations!

I spent an enormous amount of time decluttering yesterday and I finally had my "Ah-Ha" moment. Part of the process of preparing for this trip is sorting through every item we own and scrutinizing it's value and worth. Do I love it? Will I need it? Will I have a place to put it in the RV? Will I even miss it if I just get rid of it now? Is it worth more as a possession, or is it more valuable to sell it and have the money for the RV? It has certainly turned into a project of self-discovery. I am realizing with each box I fill, with each room I declutter, that much of what we possess has little or no real value at the end of the day. It's just stuff.

I told Steve at lunch today that it amazes me what we as a society have come to. We pay hundreds & thousands of dollars to insure and protect our "stuff" -- fire insurance, home security systems, locked storage units. But at the end of the day, we've spent more money protecting those things than what they are actually worth. And for what? Ninety percent of that "stuff", we don't even need.

God has opened my eyes today. I finally see, first hand, what Christ meant in Matthew 6:19-20, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

Christ was all about relationships and servitude and I see now that by ridding myself of earthly treasures, I am simultaneously making room for heavenly treasures; the treasure of family relationships and the opportunity to go out into the world and be of service to people and in places I would have never ventured to in the comforts of my little suburban world.

Back on the Bandwagon

Well, life has certainly been quite full since my last entry. It goes without saying that I met with my mom and as I expected and mentioned, blessing are certainly bestowed when we are obedient! I wasn't too keen on meeting. I'm ashamed to say that I am a very non-confrontational person. Steve has hounded me for years to speak up more, say what's on my mind, put my foot down, etc. but it's always been something I've had a hard time with. It's just always been much easier to keep those things to myself and keep the peace. So meeting with mom, I knew, was going to force me to face a not-so-peaceful situation.

Filled with anxiety and discomfort, I didn't even know how to begin a conversation with my own mother. For nearly the last 10 years, I have felt as though neither of my parents have had a clue who I even am -- how do you have a conversation with someone that is supposed to know you so well, yet really knows nothing about you? Fortunately, mom opened the conversation up with words I spoke to myself too many times over the last 10 years...

"I feel like I have no relationship with you and that is very hard for me"

A common ground is always a good place to start I suppose. After 2 weeks of trying to process the day I had with her, I have to admit I have forgotten many details, but I cannot forget the big picture.

Mom and I miss each other, but we are very different people. I realize that much of what I may have expected from her as a mother, grandmother & mother-in-law, wasn't necessarily her own expectation for herself. She was a very different daughter than I am, we couldn't be more different as mothers and our perspectives of wife-hood come from opposite ends of the spectrum. I sit and ponder all these differences and have to humorously ask myself, "where in the heck did I come from?"

Much of my and mom's conversation diverted toward spiritual and biblical aspects here and there, aspects that brought to light our differences. And then I realized "where I came from"....I have been reborn in the truest sense of the word. I know how different my life and viewpoints would be had Christ not come into my life and changed my heart, my thinking and my priorities. The differences that my mother and I have are merely an outword sign of what the Lord has done within me.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my mother believes in God and I do think she is saved. But it would be naive to say that all "believers" are the same. Me, personally -- I crave God's word and I long for opportunities to learn how I can change things in my life for the better. I'm kind of developing a liking for being one of those "weird Christians". But, I also know that not everyone is like that.

May God use me to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world.

Matthew 5:13-16

Moment of Truth?

Well, today is the day. In just a couple hours I’ll be meeting with my mother, whom I haven’t spoken more than a handful of words with in the last 8+ months. As I wrote yesterday, I’m not horribly optimistic about it and yet I am unsure about what to expect. Truthfully, I don’t know what it is she wants to talk about, other than the fact that she wants to start seeing the girls again.

I’ve gone over in my mind so many times about where this all began. If you’re looking at just the surface, it would be safe to say that it was all over a Christmas gift – a gift that ultimately made my husband feel very small and to him, was an intentional stab in the back. But family issues like these are never caused by one isolated, insignificant issue. There’s always a history of numerous, small issues that get buried and forgotten, never spoken about, or spoken about and then swept under the rug, but ultimately never addressed. And then one day, something – or someone – just snaps. Steve snapped. A person can only take so much before they completely snap. I don’t think I would have reacted any differently.

Still, I have to sit and wonder what today’s conversation will be like or be about. I have no place or obligation to apologize for my husband. I cannot continue to just sweep things under the rug. My only hope is that over the course of the last 8 months, my mother has opened her mind and eyes a bit to see what has really been going on for the last 8+ years. I can attest to those things. I can bear my soul and talk about how the past has been toxic and it has to stop. But just like an alcoholic or drug addict, until my mother is willing to acknowledge there is a problem, there is ultimately no solution.

Let’s pray that today is the first day toward a solution.

Not Necessarily a Big Happy Family

It amazes me the ways God has decided to work in our lives. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know how I have seen Him work personally in my life. When Steve & I were unsure about this trip, I prayed for the Lord’s direction and provision. I guess any faithless human being would have expected something like, an unexpected large sum of money to buy an RV. But the Lord, being the Great Teacher He is, pushed us to think a little more broadly and simply provided us encouragement through the mouth of babes.

Another recent example is still playing out. (Although, as I write this, I’m thinking that is the Lord’s pattern – there never really is a final conclusion is there?)

If you are a close friend, you know the trials and tribulations that my family has undergone. I do not come from a “big happy family” by any sense of the word. Strife should have been our last name. But somewhere deep inside me, maybe because I was an only child, I have always longed for that “big, happy family” and nothing makes my heart ache more than the fact that it may never be.

Currently, my mother and I are estranged although she lives less than 30 miles away. I don’t hear from my dad, who lives in California, but seems to have a new family of his own. Just writing about it makes me have to fight back tears. There is much pain, bitterness and resentment from all the things that have happened since Steve & I met, but somehow we have managed to keep our own little family of 5 intact and each day is another notch on the doorpost that we have come one step closer to raising our children with values and attitudes perhaps we missed out on.

Still, I miss my parents and I know my children miss their grandparents. Being an only child, I’m sure this is part of my inner struggle with it all. But truly, I would not want anything less than that “big, happy family”. Last week, I had this nice long talk with God. I cried to Him, told him what my heart desired (like he didn’t already know, right?) and vowed my obedience. “I have no idea what you have in store, Lord,” I said, “but I’ll leave this in your hands and do whatever it is you want me to do.”

The next day, I got an email from my mother, wanting to get together to talk.

I have to be candidly honest. I am not particularly optimistic about this meeting, which will happen tomorrow over lunch. I’ve never felt as though I could get through to my mother and get her to understand my way of life, my way of thinking and where my loyalties lie and why. But I vowed my obedience to God and I have an obligation to follow through, because I know that it is only in obedience to Him that true blessings are bestowed.

9 months? Seriously??

I just don’t know how it is I am going to stay patient for the next 9 months. At least when you find out you’re pregnant, you already have a good month or so down. And for the life of me I can’t figure out why that dumb counter on the blog isn’t working right.

I’m excited. No…more like ecstatic. I’ve dove my nose into books upon books about RVing, homeschooling, etc. and every page I turn just gets me that much more excited. I think the homeschooling idea has me the most excited. Just the sheer thought of getting my kids out of “jail” (as Koti so eloquently termed it) will be an experience.

As I was taking them to school yesterday, Koti makes the following assessment:

“You know, school is just like jail. Think about it. The food is gross, you only get a set amount of time to play outside, and you’re locked up in this building all day long. I mean, they try to spice it up a bit with things like P.E., music and stuff, but its still school. Just like jail, you know how they have carpentry and stuff, but you know its still jail.”

Wow! LOL I died laughing, but deep down inside, I know she’s right. I just can’t wait to get them on the road and get them loving to learn again; about things that matter….things that they NEED to know. I mean, who really cares how many different ways you can do long division if you can’t even cut a recipe in half!

EBay is up and running. I got a couple of huge loads of books this weekend, so I’m listing, listing, listing. It's kind of funny how a bookworm like me ironically ends up running an online bookstore. How appropriate. It’s too soon to tell, but I have great expectations for it!

Garage sale is next Friday. It's mostly going to be putting out clothes, toys and miscellaneous household items.

I think I’ll make one of those thermometer posters for us to track our savings. That might be a good visual aid to keep us motivated.

Kids: What about school?

I have to laugh every time this question is asked. Whether it be in an email, a text or over the phone, it is asked with the exact same verbage every time...."What about the kids and school?"

It amazes me that in this day and age, when virtually any and all of my fellow public-school parents would agree the education in this country is substandard, and homeschooling is on the rise more than any other generation, that this would even be a question. More so, why is it that we have all bought into this idea that the only place our children can get an education is in a public school, and the only people qualified to do so are "certified educators".

I read a very interesting point once upon a time and I don't even remember where I read it, but it went something like this: why is it that we, as mothers, can raise and teach our children through midnight feedings, colic, learning to crawl, walk and run, holding a bottle, spoon and crayon and potty training, but somehow when they reach the age of 5, we no longer think we are capable of "teaching" them? Better yet, how is it that we can somehow convince ourselves that if we send our kids to a building with a bunch of other people their size that have few (good) social skills that they are being prepared for the real world?

We get our little one through the most formidable years of their lives and then hand them off to a stranger, somehow convinced they are more qualified than us to teach them how to learn! And then we spend 13+ years making them socialize with people who, we admit, we don't like their behavior.

My kids have been in both scenarios. They have been homeschooled kids, only exposed to the people I select for them to socialize with. They have been in public school (both before and after homeschooling) where I have witnessed first hand the influence that particular setting and socialization has made on them. Although they are heading to a highly regarded charter school this month, I am a firm believer in this: our children are only as good as the situation we place them in and the people we surround them with.

So, when people ask me this question, "What about school?" my response is this...What about it?

I know, with out an inkling of doubt, that being removed from the public school setting will be a blessing and saving grace to my girls. I can be, and will be, the best "educator" my girls could ever have. They will have the opportunity to see and learn things that no book could ever live up to. I care more about their character, education and growth than any teacher ever could....not because teachers are not good enough, but because they just aren't mom. My children will experience how people really behave and socialize. Let's face it, being bullied for your lunch money or made fun of because your jeans are not the "right" brand is not how the real world is; that's how public school is.

I am ecstatic about the opportunity to pull them out of "school", take them on the road and "unschool" them.

For those who still have their doubts....subscribe to the blog. The girls will be adding their own blogs next summer about what they are seeing and learning! (I hear there is even talk about a web show!)

Money Matters: How will you sustain financially?

Let’s face it; we need money to get through life…for the most part. So let’s cover that question right off the top!

This will, no doubt, be the biggest preparatory task of all. We of course need the funds to purchase our “new home” (the RV), but also enough of a nest egg to pay our expenses for the following 12 months. Too, we will need to consider what funds we will need at the end of the 12 months, either to keep going, or to settle.

Fortunately, Steve is an entrepreneur with a business that allows him to work on the road, if necessary. He is currently working very hard and making many sacrifices to build his business enough that hopefully, with God’s help and grace, there will be some residual monthly income coming in while we are on the road. However, we cannot necessarily count on that 100% to sustain us.

As I mentioned, we will be selling all of material possessions. With the exception of near-and-dear memorabilia, everything will be liquidated. Now, Steve & I have never been the type to have expensive furniture or collector art pieces. Nonetheless, as we have walked around the house to inventory our possessions and estimate their value we have found that just in things like furniture, appliances, toys and knick-knacks, we can get a good nest egg started.

I will also be looking for a part-time job; just something that I can do during the day while the kids are in school (remember, they are my 1st priority!) and offers a little side cash to stash into the nest egg!

The biggest source of funds is going to come from a place that so many of us suburbanites have a difficult time with: cutting expenses. I have taken a long hard look at our budget recently and found that so many of the things we spend money on are “wants” and not “needs”. We “need” a house, electricity, water and heat. However, contrary to what our suburban society has trained us to believe, we DO NOT need a lot of what we spend our money on. Here is just a brief list of what OUR family has spent money on that, in order to save for our adventure, we will be, or have already, eliminated:

• Car payments - we have always tried to avoid these and buy our cars cash – we currently have no car payments
• Car insurance - we only purchase liability. We have found that full coverage is flushing hard-earned money down the toilet, although, you can only do this if you have no car payments!
• Clothing – my kids DO NOT get name brand clothes, EVER. I shop thrift stores often and fortunately they will be going to a uniformed school this year, eliminating the desire for the latest trends!
• Dining Out – like when we were kids, our family has minimized this to being an occasional “treat” rather than a weekly expense. I even found a Restaurant Cookbook that offers many of the famous restaurant secrets to make at home, like KFC chicken, Pizza Hut Pan Pizza & Red Lobster’s Cheese Biscuits (and the kids think this is pretty cool too!)
• Entertainment – this is one of a few of the ways we suburban families get sucked in to the “social standard”. Let’s face it – our kids do not “need” a season pass to the amusement park, $10 movie tickets and $20 snack money at the movies. We have found that bargain matinees (after a hearty brunch at home), 99 cent bowling and even a game of Uno at home are just as entertaining!
• Extra-Curricular Activities – this has become an insane obsession with today’s parents, and yes, even I got sucked in. We were spending almost $100/mo for one of our daughters to take gymnastics twice a week. Over a year, that would be enough money to sustain us for a month on the road! Unless it is a school-sponsored activity (these are generally much more affordable), this is merely an unnecessary “want”
• Food & Groceries – this is an area we had to revamp quite some time ago. I’ve learned 3 key things to keeping these expenses under control: (1) menu planning, (2) buying in bulk (this only works well with strict menu planning, as you buy in bulk to prepare the same meals in rotation) and (3) making time to prepare – you can save a TON of money preparing your own convenience foods, snacks and even some of your household cleaning supplies!
• Personal Care (i.e. haircuts, dry cleaning, salon services) – I’ve learned to cut my husband & children’s hair, Dryel works great, and frankly I can wax and color at home!
• Pet Care – again, I can bathe my dog at home and can minimize my vet visits by shopping around for the best deals on vaccination clinics. Beware! I have found that even the Pet Store clinics who claim to be a bargain can be much overpriced for someone who just needs a quick boarding vaccination!
• School Expenses – this has gotten out of control! Last year, I spent over $600 on extras for school – like field trips, fundraisers, etc. I didn’t even spend that much in a year when I was HOMESCHOOLING!! This year, the girls know….no fundraisers, no pictures (I can take my own, thank you!) and we’ll be compiling our OWN yearbook! The girls will each get a field trip budget and will have to pick and choose which ones they want to attend.
• Utilities – we cancelled our cable movie channels (redbox works just as well), changed all our bulbs to energy efficient, have our thermostat at a constant 68 (WHEN it gets turned back on for the fall) and are switching our phone service to a more affordable provider. Also, the girls get a timer for shower time and I have unplugged the dishwasher – I found we save a lot on our gas and water bill keeping these 2 things under control!

By my rough calculations, we should be able to eliminate almost $1000/mo in expenses. That means that by June 2010, we could have $10,000 saved up. Take into consideration the actual cost of living on the road, and that $10,000 could sustain us for 3-5 months, easily. It’s amazing how much you can live on when you let go of the idea of “stuff” and focus on the family unit.

This has been, and will continue to be, a challenge for all of us. We live in a world of immediate gratification where we are defined by what we have and we feel like we have to give our kids every opportunity to compete with the kid next door. Luckily, the girls are so excited about this trip, that many of the “cutbacks” are inconsequential right now. However, I know as they return to school, it will become more challenging. I can only hope that as we adults learn the value of the family, they too will learn that no gymnastics lesson, field trip or designer label shirt will measure up to good quality time as a family, working together to accomplish a goal that is sure to outshine all that “stuff”.

Which One Are You?

Since Sunday, Steve, the girls and I have only indulged a small number of people in our plan. I’m sure based on my previous posts The Big Idea appears at first to be quite vague. So, today, I take this opportunity to divulge the Idea, after which I will immediately be posting this blog site to my Facebook page, where many of my friends and family see my daily updates. That being said, I figured today’s blog would be a good place to start answering all of those sure-to-come-up questions everyone is going to ask.

“The Big Idea” is basically this: In June 2010 we will give up the “comforts” of the settled, suburban lifestyle in exchange for 12 months living on the road in an RV, just each other and the necessities!

Now, when you read that, you are one of two groups of people…..

Group A is thinking, “You are insane! You can’t raise children on the road like that! They need stability! What will you do for work? What about school for the kids? Is it safe?”

Group B, on the other hand, is thinking, “Wow! That is so cool! How exciting! What an experience! What a sacrifice!”

Which group you belong to is really of no consequence to us. Actually, I would love to have more Group A readers than Group B readers. I hope that by sharing all of our experiences, both good and bad, I can get Group A readers to be a little more open-minded, and maybe even change their modern-sociological thinking a bit. Group B readers…well, I just hope we can offer a little inspiration and maybe get them to take a leap of faith in places they might not have ever had the courage to do so.

Regardless of what group you belong to right now (I can almost promise most will be Group B by the end of our journey), there are some basic questions raised by everyone.

Over the next couple weeks, I will start covering some of those common questions. If you have some “not so common” questions, please feel free to post them! They can only help us think about details we may not otherwise consider!

Tomorrow’s FAQ: Money Matters: How will you sustain financially?

God’s Message of Certainty

Why is it that when we ask the Lord for something, we’re still amazed when He delivers? Is it merely our human nature, unable to wrap our little minds around His wondrous love, or is it a sign of our wavering faith, hoping but never quite sure if He will give us what we have requested in prayer? Either way, our Lord and Savior never ceases to amaze me.

As I had said Tuesday, I committed to prayer asking the Lord for provision and guidance in The Big Idea (not MY Big Idea, THE Big Idea). My heart remained steadfast in my faith that He would answer, but my mind, human as it is, wondered each day how long I would be waiting for that answer. I wanted a clear sign that this idea came from Him, and not just crazy “get me outta here” wish of my own desires.

Throughout the week, Steve and I have not been able to take our minds off of it. We oftentimes found ourselves asking one another “what are you thinking?”, knowing full well as we asked the other that question, we knew the answer. We both were heavy with the thoughts of many details; money, transportation, preparations….it all but consumed us. But never is a negative way. Each time a detail came to me, I could feel a rush of excitement come over me. Of course, books have become my way of dealing with all those questions. I checked out a couple of books pertaining to The Idea, placing a couple others on hold.

Yesterday was the day we were to travel back up to Fort Morgan to pick up the girls from their week-long stay-cation. On our way out, we stopped by the library to pick up one of the on-hold books and Steve and I discussed our plans, I paraphrased things from the book, and I intermittently said “if this is what we are supposed to do.” The question crossed our minds too; Do we share this with the kids? Or do we wait until we know for sure? On the “pro” side, we can include them in the process and they just might love the idea too! On the “con” side, they hate the idea and then blab to anyone and everyone, leaving us to explain why we would do something so crazy!

After arriving to pick up the kids and spending some quality time to visit with our friend and get a recap of the week, we began to gather up the girls and their things. As we were walking out the door, across the property sat their RV. Out of no where, our friend says “You guys want to buy our RV? We’re selling it.” Steve and I looked at each other and immediately knew what the other was thinking. “It’s just coincidental,” we both thought. We decided to take a peek, really just to see what they had, how much they wanted and to get a feel for it.

As we were heading home, Steve briefly and casually talked about their RV. We had not yet decided whether or not to disclose The Big Idea to the girls, when out of nowhere, we heard the Lord speak to us loud and clear through the voice of our daughter, Koti.

“Are we gonna buy their RV? We should! We could buy it and go on the road! We could sell all our stuff, travel the country and homeschool on the road!”

It was short of a miracle I didn’t have a heart attack or that Steve didn’t veer off the road into the corn field. All I could think to say was “I guess that’s our answer.”

So, now we have received our gift of provision. I truly believe that where God guides, He provides. The coming months will entail a lot of planning and preparing, selling and saving. I know there is great difficulty and insecurity in the endeavor upon which we are about to embark. But it is through faith and obedience that the biggest blessings are bestowed upon us and so I know in my heart there will be tremendous blessings and growth waiting for us in this.

The Conception of The Big Idea

So, I’ve realized what happens when you go from being a SAHM of 3 growing girls, to suddenly being at home alone all day. For one, I read….A LOT. This is great for me. It’s one of my favorite pastimes and as any mother of 2 or more children knows, (don’t ask “why 2 and not one”. that’s a whole ‘other blog!) when you have the time to enjoy a pastime, you take what you can get. Well, I have 5 whole days. But you can only read so much before your eyes start to wander to the corners of your eyes and it’s just time to take a break. Problem is, I’m still alone in the quietness of my big 4-bedroom house and the only noises are the fans and the dog licking his paws. So, of course, my mind begins to wander. But as I hope my readers learn, oftentimes it’s that quietness that allows us to hear the Lord speak to us.

I recently read The Duggars: 20 and Counting. In the book, Jim Bob Duggar talks about an idea God laid on his heart. He knew the idea came from God because “there was no way I would have ever dreamed up such a thing on my own!”¹ Now I know that feeling and I can attest that I really do think the Lord speaks to us. We just sometimes need that monotonous fan in the background to get our heart’s hearing tuned-in to His voice.

As I lay there on the couch, my mind begins to focus on my husband’s frustrated words last week….”I just want to sell everything and move and start over”. We all feel like that sometimes. When the stresses of family, illness, finances or otherwise just seem so overwhelming that it seems as though life would be better to just leave. But any logical person knows that no matter what you do to change your circumstances you can never run from problems. They will follow you everywhere you go until you look them in the eye and say “ENOUGH” and deal with them head on. Oftentimes, it seems far too overwhelming to face them, and then out of nowhere, the Lord sends us a message to remind us that we don’t have to face them alone. Our message came in the form of a sermon. Cliché, I know, but true. It just so happened that we visited our old home-church on Sunday and the message was “Where is God when life hurts?” We were reminded that He’s right there, hurting with us, and we just need to draw near to Him so that He may draw near to us and comfort us. I woke up Monday morning committed to that. I knew that if I truly needed clarity on what our future path was to be, I had to ask. I had to draw near to God and open my heart to His presence and voice if I had any hope of gaining that wisdom. But is it me that needs to gain the clarity and wisdom on this subject?

You see, I have very strong convictions about where God has placed me and who I am as a descendant of Eve. God created me to be my husband’s helper; his mate; his sidekick. The Lord did not assign me any form of sovereignty over my husband and I am never to be his conscience or medium; simply his helper. He calls the shots and I see to it that things are carried out to the best of our ability. As a descendant of Eve, I must always remember that it was EVE who was deceived. The Devil cunningly tempted the weaker of the two to accomplish his goal. I have learned, often the hard way that my thoughts, opinions and actions must be contemplated with extreme scrutiny as to not lead my husband astray, as Eve led Adam astray. So, again I ask the question…is it me that should be seeking this wisdom? Or my husband?

I have concluded that we both must. I simply took what I have learned and heard and have begun to pray. I’ve prayed for my own patience and wisdom to know when I am being a good helper, and when I am overstepping my boundaries into “nagging bossiness”. But I have mostly prayed for my husband. That the Lord might reveal to him the path on which we should be. Makes sense and sounds easy, but as we all know, it’s just not always that simple.

So back to my quiet Monday morning. As I diligently went about my day doing my Weekly Home Blessing, my mind and heart pondered on all that I had heard over the last few days; selling everything and moving, living simply, the kids missing the country…so much to think about. But one thing stuck out…..selling everything and moving. But where? Where would we go? And that’s when I heard it…..God’s voice speaking to my heart in a way I cannot explain. Like Jim Bob Duggar, I knew it was God because there is no way I would have thought this up on my own. Suddenly, I knew what Jim Bob was talking about and I felt a chill run through my body. Not a cold chill and not a hot sweats kind of chill. But a warm peace like the one you feel when a warm cup of tea goes down your throat on a cold winter day. It was a scary thought, but I wasn’t the least bit scared. I was excited, elated and anxious for the “hows” and “why’s” to follow…..

I spent the remainder of the afternoon opening my mind and heart to all the little details, but mostly on how I would present this crazy idea to Steve. I knew I had to have some “how’s” to share with him, and the Lord just flooded me with ideas, one after another, even details that seemed insignificant or trivial. By the time Steve got home, I knew one of two things would happen…..either he’d love the idea or he’d think I was insane (which wouldn’t be the first time). Either way, I was reassured that it was in the Lord’s hands, and He knew what He was doing…..”Just obey, Addie and let me take care of the rest” is what my heart heard.

When he got home from work yesterday, I revealed The Idea to Steve is small bites.

“What if we did _____?”

“We could _____;”

“Wouldn’t that be a great experience for us and the kids?”

I love the way God works. Steve loved every bit of The Idea and even began to brainstorm his own details. Minute by minute I began to see God work in Steve’s heart and in our family. But just to be sure, I said to Steve…”Ok, lets pray about it and make sure that we’re really doing what God has planned for us and that this isn’t just some crazy idea of our own.” His response was like that feeling you get when your boss drops 100 files on your desk and says he wants a report by noon.

“You do that…..you’re better at that sort of thing,” he said. See! I knew it wasn’t that easy….

WHAT??? I’ve spent years trying to re-condition myself to be the woman and helpmeet God wants me to be; being submissive and allowing my husband to lead, and recognizing that I am not necessarily the “more spiritual” one of the two. Now I have been delegated as the messenger? Would I be disobeying God by leading spiritually? Would I be disobeying my husband by NOT? Let’s face it….being delegated as the spiritual leader for the entire family carries a huge amount of responsibility. All I could think was “Ok, God….you heard him. Please help us!”

And so, this is where “The Big Idea” was conceived. Ironically, as I sit here writing, I realize that it will take about 9-10 months to prepare for the “birth” of this idea. Is that any coincidence?

In closing for today, I ask for prayers in all facets of The Big Idea; mainly, that the Lord will continue to work in Steve and me to give us reassurance and clarity that this idea is His plan. If it is His path for us, I welcome it with open arms and anxiously await the blessings he has in store for us through our obedience. If not, I pray that He’ll give us a loving knock upside the head so we can focus on the path He does have paved for us.